You’re Safe to Start Where You Are

What is the right way to live life? Is it to go to college, get married, buy a house, and have babies--all in that specific order? And if there is a "right" way to live life, that means there's also a "wrong" way, right? 

Do you ever fear that you're living life the wrong way?

For many years, I deeply feared making a wrong life decision. I took every choice so seriously--praying over every decision and asking friends and family what I should do. I couldn't trust myself. I didn't know how to listen to myself.

This behavior was really a culmination of a couple different fears: the fear of being wrong, the fear of consequences, the fear of ruining my life, and the fear of not having a sense of control.

Life felt overbearing and fragile at the same time. I developed an exhausting hyper-vigilance towards decision making, because one wrong move could jeopardize everything.

I spent years stuck in a state of high-functioning decision paralysis, thinking I was an active participant in my life when, in reality, I was handing my power over to fear and to other people.

One day, a couple years ago, I woke up to realize that my worst fear had come true.

It's like someone had shaken me awake from a long sleep. Immediately I saw what I had done to my life as a result of all the fear and outsourcing my choices to other people. I woke up that day realizing I didn't recognize myself in my own life. 

My life had become a reflection of all the people I had asked to help me make decisions, not a reflection of myself, and I realized I didn't like where that had taken me. I had been living my life all wrong.

I was then launched into an intense period of grieving. Grieving the life I didn't chose, grieving the youth I had given away, grieving the consequences I was still was held responsible for even though the choices didn't feel like my own.

Over time, I took myself out of my grief, desiring to no longer mourn the fact that I didn't listen to myself from the start. I chose to stop torturing myself with daydreams of how my life should have been.  

The past is fixed. Why empower it to affect the present? 

One of the best things I have ever done for myself is accept where I was, take accountability for the mess I had become, care for the hurts I endured that brought me to this point, and then decide to start again. 

There is no such thing as a fresh start. Beginnings are always complicated by something. But starting from where you are isn't a compromise, it's a necessity. It's all you can do, so you do it.

There’s nothing that opposes a fear quite like action. Action doesn’t require permission, proof, perfect conditions, or excessive preparation. 

To teach my brain that I could trust myself, I had to start taking action based solely on my own intuition. 

Through this experience, I learned that confidence grows because of action, not because circumstances are perfect. Action is the key to learning to trust yourself again.

I rewired the fears my subconscious mind internalized through taking action. I learned I can trust myself. I can rely on myself if I fail. Better yet, I can rely on my support system if I fail.

Failure isn’t scary, it’s learning. 

The only thing that’s scary is never trying. Never starting. 

We were all born with dreams unique to our individual souls. Our current society doesn’t favor honoring those dreams--those God-calls, those soul contracts. Society favors practicality.

Is practicality enough for you?

It wasn’t enough for me. My life was so practical, and I had to learn the hard way that my soul was destined for a different path. 

In astrology, there's a concept called Saturn's Return. Around age 28-30, Saturn returns to the position it was in at your birth. If you’re not living in alignment with your soul, Saturn is said to shake up your life to get you back on course. 

I am not a regular subscriber to astrology, but this concept resonated with me deeply. It perfectly described what I experienced when I realized I wasn’t living life true to myself.

I had to change. I had to heal. I had to grow. 

I had to start. 

At first, I started frantically. I felt like I had to make up for lost time. Urgency didn’t translate to results, and eventually I learned it was better to slow down. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

Once you set your efforts into motion, what’s meant for you will find you. It’s inevitable. Learning this taught me to make peace with the pacing of my life. 

I am becoming an international model, and it’s ok that I’m not there yet. My actions are aligned with that outcome. It will happen; I trust the timing. 

In many ways, I’m grateful that I’ve set on this path later in life than most models. My frontal lobe is fully developed, I 'm wiser, and I’m grounded. Starting later in life is honestly starting to feel like an advantage.

For a long time, I believed motherhood and personal dreams could not coexist--that my individuality expired after I became a parent seven and a half years ago. I’ve learned this couldn't be farther from the truth. 

Motherhood has made me crave my dream more deeply. The meaning my children brought into my life clarified what truly matters. 

My dreams matter. 

For motherhood to be a catalyst for reduction is counterintuitive. Motherhood is expansion. It adds depth and motivation. Motherhood was never an end to femininity, purpose, or life. 

I won’t deny that starting over as a mom felt vulnerable. The risk of failure feels heavier when little lives depend on you. 

On top of that, starting to chase my dreams in motherhood felt like a late start. It felt selfish and foolish. 

But there was nothing I could do except start where I was. It’s not what I pictured as the ideal circumstance for becoming an international model, but it’s teaching me to redefine what I believe a “safe” starting point looks like. 

Rather than prioritizing my comfort, I prioritize self-trust. I prioritize learning.

Here I am--embarking on a journey to become an international model--because I chose to trust myself and take risks aligned with my dream.

This journey is deeply personal to me. Redefining success as a mother has been so challenging. I've had to rewire so many of the beliefs I internalized about my role as a wife and a woman in society. Beliefs that honestly, did nothing but keep me as small and dependent as possible. 

And now I see my potential. I am so worthy, I am so capable. I am so limitless. 

I am so grateful I gave myself permission to start over.

Since embarking on my own journey of chasing my dreams, I've come to realize how many other women, and mothers especially, feel they can’t start. They feel unimportant, they feel unworthy, they feel undeserving, they feel selfish. They feel their only option is to let their dreams die. 

If that is you, I want you to know this:

You are safe to start where you are. No perfection required, just trust. If you need permission, take mine. Start today. Start now. Nothing about this moment is unworthy of a beginning.